Part 9. Smash It Up

We meet Extraction Man and have fun with bouncy glass. This weeks recipe is melon with olive oil Feta, pine nut and paprika crumble.

This weeks voice over is in the style of Julia Child. Just in case it wasn’t obvious.

If you’re actually enjoying reading our Substack, please share with your mates, oh, and can you stick a like on it so it makes us look good? Thanks. You’re the best.

Here we go again, welcome back. Now, if you read last weeks post you’ll know that we were doing most of the refurb works at the restaurant ourselves. That included making a ceiling, laying a floor, building a kitchen and a million other jobs which have been erased from memory due to the pain they caused. It was a lot to do but enthusiasm and naivety kept us going.

Right, there was one big job we couldn't do, and that was, fitting an extraction system. After flicking through the Yellow Pages we had a guy form Leeds sorting this for us, seemed like a good bloke, so all was in hand. For those who are not familiar with extraction systems, basically they are similar to the one above your stove at home but way more powerful, and much more expensive. From memory, ours was small, but it was about three grand, in 2004.  Anyway, we randomly rang the guy one day and asked him how things were progressing, all was well, but he suggested that we mention to York council that we are having it fitted. Fair enough, we’d give them a call, no problem.

Oh no! The lady at Environmental Health, first of all, told us that we should have asked for permission before going ahead. That’s all well and good, but how are you supposed to know that?

Next thing, it had to be so high that it went above the roof line, it couldn’t just be hanging around against a wall. This would mean it would have to go another two storeys above us, we didn’t know about this either. The EH lady also wanted to see a plan of the extraction, just to see it’s location on the building. A plan? How were we going to get someone to draw a plan for us? So we gave Extraction Man a call and explained everything to him, he wasn't surprised, apparently this happens often. He agreed to make the chimney a bit longer, this wasn’t expensive as it was just a pipe, so that was ok. But he did say, that normally he would need scaffolding to get that high up, but he would make do with his big ladders to keep the price right. Nice guy!

The plan, he said he didn't have time to do it himself, but told me to get an A4 sheet of paper, draw a picture of the side of the building, then draw a pipe going between the two windows of the other floors, then draw a witches hat on top. Really? We weren't draughtsmen, nor were we even good at drawing. And what if we got the dimensions wrong? What if our drawing didn't match the actual finished product? We asked him, and he said not to worry, the council never check anyway.

OK, so we did the drawing, made up some rough measurements, tried to keep it looking like the actual building, drew a pipey thing and stuck a witches hat on top. We even gave it a title, you know, like you see on an architects drawing, ‘Project 107/E Extraction 26 Swinegate’. Then we put it in an envelope and delivered it to the council offices.

We waited a few days but heard nothing, so we rang up to make sure they were happy with Project 107/E, very much expecting either a few remarks, or a snigger at our attempt to be engineering architects.

And guess what, the EH lady was happy with the drawing. Yes, she was happy with the drawing. Crazy eh? We had scribbled something down in pencil with made up measurements, and guessed where it was going to go, then topped it off with a witches hat, and she was happy. Funny!

However, there’s always a however, she wanted to know the eflux velocity rate of the system. Well, we didn’t even know what it meant, this was a question for Marty McFly and Doc Brown, so we had no chance of telling her. And why didn’t she tell us about this on the first phone call?

So we pestered Extraction Man again. He told us to call her back and ask what it needed to be. Now we have no idea what she said because it was yonks ago, so let’s pretend it was something like 50 litres of air every minute, so by her answer we worked out that it meant how fast it kicked stuff out.  Back to Extraction Man, who told us, to tell her, that ours would be 80 litres of air a minute. Oh that’s good, ours is more powerful than she wanted. I asked him how he measured eflux velocity, just out of interest, but he said he hadn’t measured it. So how did he he know it was 80 litres. He said he just made it up.

But hang on mate, if we tell her it’s 80 litres, won’t she find out that it isn’t? And again, he told us not to worry, they never check. So we told her the details and she was happy. This felt wrong, a drawing that was almost a cartoon and a random number for the eflux velocity, but it worked and everyone was happy, so hey ho. But, this whole back and forth took about half a day, half a day which could have been spent ticking off jobs on the DIY list. But at least it was sorted. However, remember this bit, because it continues…….

Well, in between taking phone calls and eating Pot Noodles we were making new ceilings, painting walls and constructing a bar. We were also thinking about something which was quite tricky, thinking of what to do with the floor. The tiles were drab, and they made the place feel cold and echoey, but taking them out would have taken too long, and it’s a messy job. So for a little inspiration we had a look around the timber section in B&Q when we were next there, collecting more white paint. And for about seven seconds we thought we had the answer, in the form of floorboards, but they were very expensive, way more that we expected, or had money for.

But ohhh, look at those beautiful sheets of eight foot by four foot plywood. Wow, see how the exquisite grain catches the light, see how the bland newness creates character, and look at the patina on them, obviously created by the B&Q staff sliding them onto the racks. But more importantly, look at the price. That’s it, we quickly came up with a plan to just glue them directly to the tiles and put a coloured varnish over them. Hang on, might look a bit crap, just big rectangle sheets covering the floor. But then we noticed that in the corner of the timber department there was a cutty machine, and they offered a wood cutting service. So we could ask them to cut the plywood sheets into smaller pieces, almost like wooden tiles, then lay them down, but with thinner lengths of wooden lats between them, to break it up a bit. So thats what we did, and the price of the cutting service was 50p a cut, so we asked the guy if he could put a few sheets on top of each other and cut through them in one go to save a few quid, which he did.

When we returned to our project we glued a few boards down to see what they looked like. Well they looked good, very good, but they didn’t stay down, even with loads of glue spread on them, they sat for about twenty minutes, then curled themselves away from the floor. Oh great. So, and this was the height of fun, I went round and drilled four holes in each one, then drilled through the tile underneath, then into the concrete floor below. Then I tapped in plastic plugs ready for the screws. As I was doing this, Donna followed me and screwed each one down. From memory, there must have been about sixty boards to screw down, that’s two hundred and forty screws. Looking back, we must have been stupid, but we did it and we still have kneecaps to this day.

But something nice was happening which helped us through our DIY slog, once or twice a day there would be a knock at the door, we would open it, and there would be a passer by asking about the restaurant. People were enthusiastic and genuinely seemed interested in what we were doing. This was a good moral boost for us, it was encouraging, and for a minute we could forget about plywood tiles and witches hats.

Anyway, Extraction Man arrived bright and early one day, he had pipes and motors with him, as well as a little helper. This was the first time we had actually met in person, and he didn’t look like the type to tell fibs to the council. We showed him where we needed the extraction to be fitted and he got on with it. However, he looked a bit hesitant about walking across our newly laid checkerboard floor, he said he was worried that their Rigger boots would scuff it, and the steel being dragged in would cause a bit of damage. Now that gave us an idea. We hadn't put the coloured varnish on it yet, so it was just bare wood, but it looked a bit too perfect. So we told Extraction Man to walk on it as much as he wanted, and to feel free to drag stuff over it, but, we asked him to take a sightly different route each time he walked through. Distressed we were not, but the floor was.

A few days later we coated it with the varnish, which we did at the end of the day, and worked from the back of the building and ended up crouched on the doormat at the front door, put the lid on the pot, locked up and left for the day.

When we arrived the next morning it had dried and looked amazing, now it was us who didn't want to walk on it. And the locals who continued to knock on the door and ask questions were very impressed also. When we opened the door to them, and turned Keane down a bit, they would give a little “Ohhh”  when they saw it. The floor became such a talking point that I decided to add a little back story, just to make it a bit more interesting than the real B&Q story. I had noticed that on some of the boards there was a faint stamp which stated the woods origin was Brazil. So I started telling people that we had the wooden sheets specially brought in from Brazil. It wasn’t really a lie was it?

Now, as all this was going on there was something lurking in the corner of the room, something which was watching us as we worked,  something very big, but not very visible. Remember that very large piece of glass which was part of the bar? It was still with us, it didn’t want to go, maybe it had heard about the plan to smash it into pieces and take it to the tip. A few days earlier, before the beautiful bespoke flooring was installed, we had removed it from the bar and dragged it across the tiled floor, it screeched like a defiant child. But now it was in the way, it’s time was up. So Donna and I managed to lift it to the alley at the side of the restaurant, it was heavy, and difficult  to get a grip of, but we did it. We propped it against a wall near the wheelie bin, luckily this area was away from public view, it was like a small courtyard.

Next, Donna hid inside, then I took my my heaviest belty hammer and  prepared myself for possible damage, to me. I whacked it, full force, right in the middle, the weakest point. And how many pieces did it break into? How much glass was I covered in? Which hospital did I go to?

None of the above, nothing happened, absolutely nothing, apart from my arm being swung back as the belty hammer bounced off the glass. I must have tried about ten times, each time the glass didn’t even notice that belty hammer bouncing off it. Not even a little crack appeared, hitting it was just like hitting a bouncy wall, it kinda flexed a little, but that was it.

It was obviously toughened, and tougher than me, I had no chance. So the glass won, and it stayed there, right there next to the wheelie bins. Could even still be there today. And we’re telling you that story, just in case you were ever sat drinking your coffee on a Sunday morning, staring out of the window, and wondering what it would be like to smash a sheet of toughened safety glass.

Anyhow, we've waffled on enough about our  DIY days, but they were finally coming to an end, and as they were, the list was ticked and put in the wheelie bin, next to the glass. We were pleased with the work we had done, it certainly didn't look like an internet cafe anymore.

Whats’s next up for us? Next week we start doing ALL the final bits and pieces ready for our planned opening date of December the 2nd 2004. A word of advice though, if you ever decide to open a restaurant, try not to state an exact opening date, it puts a lot of pressure on the situation. Another word of advice, don’t open a restaurant.

Right, here’s a recipe for you all. We did a melon and Feta dish in the early days of the restaurant, but can’t remember what it was. It definitely wasn't just a bowl of salad with cubes of Feta and watermelon, but it was loosely based on the pairing of melon and Parma ham. So, the other day we picked up a watermelon from the little veg shop we frequent, and came up with this version, something a bit different. And because I think that eating Feta is like eating chalk, this recipe provides the solution to overcome this. Read on….

You can change a few ingredients around to make it dairy free or wheat free, you know the score.

Serves, oh I don’t know, a few.

Watermelon and Olive Oil Feta, Paprika and Pine Nut Crumble

Ingredients

Crumble

30g Pine nuts

175g Plain flour

100g Unsalted butter, cubed (or dairy free alternative)

1tsp Sweet paprika, which means not the hot stuff

½ tsp Salt

Melon

1/4 Watermelon

Dressing

5g Sherry vinegar                                   

50g Watermelon juice

1tsp Sugar

1/4 tsp Salt

Feta

180g Feta (or dairy free alternative)

25g Extra virgin olive oil

Method

Crumble

-Pre heat the oven to 180c, or gas mark 4.

-We need to make this first so it has cooling time. Chop the pine nuts roughly.

-Add flour to a mixing bowl with salt, paprika and pine nuts. Now add the butter and rub in with your fingers, like when you make a crumble.

-Pop on a non stick baking tray, or use baking paper, and bake for 15-20 minutes, watch those pine nuts don’t burn. However, at the halfway mark, give the crumble a turn so it breaks up a bit.

-When cooked, leave to cool.

Melon

-We’re gonna be fancy here so cut the melon into brick shapes, like those in the piccys. Keep any trimmings.

-That’s it for the melon, pop it in the fridge to keep it cold, warm watermelon is awful.

Dressing

-Squeeze the melon trimmings and any seedy bits so that you have 50g of melon juice. You can still eat those trimmings.

-Add all the other dressing ingredients to a little pan, bring to a simmer and hold the simmer for 1 minute. Remove and cool.

Feta

-Break the Feta up and drop into a blender. Add the olive oil, and blitz until very smooth. Done.

-To plate. When everything has cooled, do this. Put the Feta in a piping bag, then put a little tiny dollop in the middle of a plate, this holds the melon in place. Gently press the melon onto it. Now spread a thin layer of Feta over the melon, this is to stop the crumble touching it and going soft. Now break the crumble into smaller pieces and add to the Feta. Next, pipe the Feta onto the gaps in the crumble, look at the pics. Then drizzle a little of the dressing around the plate, don’t flood it. I’ve garnished it with little thyme leaves, you can do the same, or use basil.

-Now show it off to your friends.

-Eat it

Join us on Part 10 when we consult with The Lord of The Rings, dodge brick red, and search for the missing alcohol licence.

Thanks for reading Andrew and Donna.

Squeezing melon for juice