Part 31. Pump It Up

The Michelin Man, turnip curry and By Association.

If you get to the end and this was mildly interesting, then feel free to lift your index finger and move it one point five centimetres to the left and put a Like on it.

Well hello to you, and welcome back. Let’s get straight to it, this week we talk about the day we encountered our first Michelin inspector at Vanilla Black, way back around Spring time in 2006.

But first of all, we probably need to explain what the whole Michelin thing is about, there's always a lot of confusion.

Right, the Michelin company sells tyres, that’s how they make money, and they like to sell lots of tyres. However, Michelin are regarded as a premium tyre company, and it’s important for them to hold onto that image.

So, many many years ago the tyre company produced a little guide, in France, which gave recommendations of where to eat, or stay. Obviously they only recommended good places, they didn't want their customers turning up to a dump, that would make them look bad.

And as time went on, this guide became very popular, and eventually it was produced in other countries, usually where they sold their tyres, or where they wanted to sell tyres.

Got it so far? Good. Now, this is quite important, the Michelin Guide is one of the few guides which actually visits and eats at restaurants. There are others who do the same thing, but a lot of guides just don’t.

So how do those other guides know if the restaurants are any good? Well, they just go by what they read online, and as we all know, that can be a cocktail of crap.

Now this is the controversial bit, and it’s about By Association. And what exactly does that mean?

An explanation. Remember all those years ago when you were at school? Well, do you remember that extremely popular girl or boy, you know, they had the best clothes, they were funny and attractive, and everyone wanted to be associated with them. Well, almost everyone, some people hated them. Sound familiar?

They had amazing hair, they were good at sports, and good in class also, but, you had to be special if you wanted to be noticed by them, or accepted by them. No way were they going to knock about with the snotty scruffy kid from the damp corner of the playground.

Or maybe you were that popular kid, yes you. Remember your great haircut, remember your expensive shoes, remember how everyone wanted to be you? And would you have wanted to associate with the geeks, the nerds, the spotty snotty kids? No, probably not.

And that’s how marketing works, By Association. Would Christian Lacroix, the fashion house, advertise at a football match? No. They don’t want to be seen as a sports brand.

Would Matalan, the affordable clothing shop, advertise at Paris Fashion Week? No. People would assume that they were expensive.

And this is how Michelin works, By Association. And it associates with restaurants in a number of ways, as a recommendation, or by awarding one, two or three stars. There’s also a few other things they award, such as a green star or a Bib Gourmand, but that attempt to become more relevant just seems to blur things.

However, here’s the thing. The more connected a restaurant is, the stronger the pedigree of the chef, the more influential a restaurants financial backer is, the more likely it is that that they are awarded a Michelin star. That’s just our observation and humble opinion over the years.

So for example, lets say Jimmy Standard opened a French bistro in Grimsby. Let’s say that Jimmy Standard previously worked in a school kitchen, had no rich backers, wasn’t related to Mick Jagger and wasn’t married to a TV executive. But, Jimmy’s food is amazing, everyone loves it, however, chances are, he wouldn’t get a Michelin star.

But let’s say that Jimmy had previously been a head chef at a Michelin star restaurant, or he was married to a film producer, or that his financial backer was a property developer who built The Shard in London. Or maybe Gordon Ramrod was the actual owner of the restaurant and Jimmy was the head chef. Jimmy would have a better chance of being awarded a Michelin star.

Hey, maybe Michelin inspectors were the popular kids at school.

Can’t quite remember what these were but that was certainly a raised Portabello mushroom and lovage pie at the back.

OK, that may all be in our imagination, or maybe not. But isn't that the same situation throughout life, you buy a BMW because you want to be associated with a ‘quality’ brand. You buy a Louis Vuitton bag* because you want to be part of that brands image. Yea, not everyone does this, but you get the idea.

Right, so you get it now. Michelin make tyres, and they want to sell loads of tyres, so they knock about with the popular kids.

So on one particular day at Vanilla Black in York, hundreds of years ago, a geezer booked a table for lunch at 12 noon, for one person, and it turned out he was a Michelin inspector.

This was a pattern we saw repeated many times over the years, single diner, early doors, and always male. So, if you ever dine alone, and you arrive to the restaurant on time, and don’t make a fuss, and you're a bloke, there’s a possibility that the waiting staff will be watching you, then running into the kitchen with the message, “Lone diner on table three.”

Ok, so he arrived on time, ordered his food with zero faffing, and added a glass of wine. He ate the food and drank his glass of wine, very straightforward and very friendly.

Then, when he finished, he asked Donna a couple of questions, who the owners were, how long we had been open for and how we came up with the name, Vanilla Black. Everyone asked that question.

Donna explained our reasons for opening Vanilla Black, the desire to prove that vegetarian food could be interesting, and to be a match for the food at mainstream restaurants.

Then he asked where the chef found inspiration, did he read cookbooks by Sophie Grigson or Annie Bell (if you don’t know they wrote some cookbooks about veg).

Donna told him no, she explained that I was more interested in the late books by Charlie Trotter and The French Laundry. He was quite surprised by this, obviously holding onto that vegetarian stereotype and expecting me to steer away from cheffy books. Then he handed over a business card to Donna and introduced himself as, The Michelin Man. Well, not sure if he actually used that term, sounds like a super hero doesn’t he.

Then he asked if he could pop into the kitchen for a chat with Andrew, and of course Donna told him that was fine. Now, from what we know, Michelin is the only guide who asks to see the kitchen and meet the chef on duty that day.

But first of all, Donna came to the kitchen to tell me.

“There’s a guy in the restaurant from the Michelin Guide and he wants to talk to you.”

Now this was twenty years ago, you hardly heard anything about the Michelin Guide back then, especially in Teesside.

Back then we were still getting our heads around something called Balsamic glaze. So, were we bothered that a Michelin inspector was in the restaurant? A little, but at the time it wasn't such a big thing. Yea, we were obviously a little flattered that he visited, but we didn't exactly have salty tears of delight racing down our cheeks.

“Aye OK, send him in, I’ll have a chat with him.”

He was a nice bloke, I remember thinking that he looked like he worked somewhere very regular, like he was a paperclip salesman.

If you think we deserve a coffee for writing this then this button allows you to drop three quid for a skinny toffee syrup moccachino with gluten free sprinkles and raspberry flavoured marshmallows.

His eyes did a quick scan of the kitchen, he shook my hand and then proceeded to ask a few questions.

“Hi Andrew, nice to meet you. The menu is very interesting.”

“Yea, thanks. We’re just trying to break the vegetarian mould, you know, smash up a few stereotypes.”

Now in hindsight, I should have lied at his next question, which is where I had previously worked.

So I told him that I’d had various kitchen roles. I told him I’d done lots of event work and cooked for the likes of Princess Diana, Princess Anne and some politicians who’s names had left my mind.

However, what I should said was that I spent four years cooking at two and three Michelin star restaurants in Paris, and I was once Gordon Ramrod’s right hand man. But we didn’t know the By Association rule back then.

Nor did we care about the By Association rule.

Anyway, he chatted about vegetables for a while, then pointed at some turnips which were sat in a bowl on the bench, and suggested that they would be nice in a curry.

Arrrrrgggggg! No Michelin man, no veggie curry.

Meanwhile, as he was chatting with me about turnip curry in the kitchen, a couple of regular diners at the table next to his were asking Donna about the Michelin man. It caused a bit of a stir amongst the lunchtime crowd, and they whispered about him carefully. Not sure why they whispered, what was he going to do to them?

Funny, they were more impressed and excited than we were!

And that was it, off he went, and we forgot about it. We didn’t even buy a copy of the 2007 guide. Well, we popped into Waterstones to have a little look, but we didn’t buy the book.

However, being in the guide did attract diners to us. Even though we were only in the guide as a recommendation, it was funny how so many people assumed that it meant we had a Michelin star.

And for many years, Vanilla Black and Terre a Terre in Brighton were the only vegetarian restaurants recommended in the Michelin Guide.

For a few years after 2006 we dreamed that we would one day be awarded a gleaming Michelin star.

But as time goes on, and you understand the By Association rule a little more, we realised that this wouldn't happen.

Maybe we were just a token veggie joint, who knows. As the years rolled on we saw it as less important. We learned that being a busy restaurant, keeping our heads above the deep and rough financial waters, and seeing diners return time after time, this was the measure of success.

A Michelin star gives status and is great for the ego, but it doesn't guarantee revenue. But we certainly displayed their red sticker in the window, it was funny to see people pointing at it and saying, “Oh look Jim, they’ve got one of those Michelin tyre things.”

Oh yea, quick bitchy story for you. Many years ago, when we were in London, a new vegetarian restaurant appeared on the scene. No names, obviously. Now, this restaurant was slotted into the Michelin Guide as a recommendation almost immediately.

Donna and I went to the restaurant to see what it was all about. The food wasn’t good, it was a shame as there was so much potential.

However, there on one of the walls was a notice board letting diners know how great the chef was, and there was mention of the Michelin star restaurant he’d worked at previously. Ahh, that’s why they were in the Michelin Guide so quickly, By Association.

Unfortunately, the next year it wasn’t in the Guide.

Maybe this story tells us more about the Guide than the actually restaurant.

A poached duck egg, pineapple pickle and the smoked potato croquette. Note the tongue and grove walling in the background. I put that up and Donna painted it. This was around 2006.

Now then, would you like another story about By Association? Stop it, you do.

OK, as mentioned on previous posts, Donna and I were never ones for shouting about ourselves. ‘Stop showing off’, were the words ingrained in our memory.

So when diners came to the restaurant, Donna worked on the floor just like everyone else. Took orders, washed glasses, made coffee and basically did the same job as Tricky Vicky and Blackhead, why should it be any other way, it’s called team work.

Many diners treated Donna as they found her, as the waitress who brought their plates of food and drinks to the table and chatted about the dishes. And as much as possible, Donna would try to divert when asked the big question, “Who owns the restaurant?” Her reply was usually, “Andrew, the chef in the kitchen.”

But if they ever pushed enough and squeezed more information out of her, and learned that she was one of the owners, there was a funny response from a small percentage of a certain type of diner.

I mean, some people would just accept the information and pass a few positive comments, then continue with their meal and remain unchanged.

But some diners, and you know the type, would drop their jaw and show their confused face. They didn't expect the waitress to actually own the restaurant.

It was even funnier in London, it was as if they had a thought bubble above their heads which contained the words, ‘But you have a Northern accent’.

But the funniest response from a few certain people was the sudden change in attitude.

From a mumbled “Thank you” and zero eye contact when the coffee arrived at their table, to…………….

“Ohhh, you’re the owner, I didn't realise. Oh it’s lovely to meet you darling. We love this restaurant, we always come here on Wednesday. My Name is Patricia Patchouli, what’s your name?”

By Association, funny eh?

Well there we go, some of the general public can be very general.

Right, off we go, thanks once again for reading and see you next week.

Donna and Andrew

*Aren’t they just plastic bags?