Part 26. I Bet You Look Good On The DanceFloor

Retro necklaces, bonny frocks and predictable chocolate pots.

Before you start reading, feel free to stick a like on at the end, or leave a comment. We still keep in touch with some of the team and they actually read these.

Now then, welcome back to our Substack, the story about opening and running a restaurant. Hopefully you're up to speed, if you are, you’ll know about our big dinner date.

So, we’re getting organised for an awards ceremony at Rudding Park Hotel. This has been going on for a couple of weeks, it was a big deal to us. Donna bought a new black dress, I bought a white shirt with pointy collars, like in the movie, Goodfellas*, Bud had a bouffant, or something similar, and our Keanu had a shave.

And of course, Tricky Vicki bought a bonny frock, shoes, handbag, bangle, hair slide and a couple of scrunchies. Blackhead didn't tell us what she was going to wear. Tony Cannelloni had hopped on a train to London because he had a fitting somewhere in Saville Row.

“Hey Keanu, looks like Tony Cannelloni is going to out shine us.”

Our Keanu, “No worries, we’ll just pretend he isn't there.”

“Hey Keanu, you’re a funny guy.”

We ordered a minibus so nobody had to drive, plus, Rudding Park was a bit too far out. We chilled a couple of bottles of Champagne so we could have a little drink in the minibus, and we bought some nice light weight plastic glasses to drink out of. Single use plastic was OK to use back then, it wasn’t a problem until Hugh Fearnly Flipprtyflop told us it was a problem.

So we were ready, and luckily the event was on a Monday evening, we weren't open on a Monday.

Well, Monday night arrived and we all met in York city centre, and waited for the minibus to arrive.

Tricky Vicki, “Ohhhh, don’t we all look smart.”

So let’s explain how “smart” everyone looked, in no particular order.

Bud, in the style of Jack Black with specs, a well done bouffant, dinner suit, un buttoned shirt collar and dickie bow.

Rosie, black dress, black blazer, black boots and a few black beaded necklaces. Oh yea, and heavy on the eyeliner. Kinda like Siouxsie Sioux going to a dinner do.

Me, dinner suit, dickie bow, pointy collared shirt and white shoes. Trying to look like Vito Corleone, but veering slightly towards Harry Hill.

Our Keanu, well, he would have looked like a cleanly shaven 007, maybe Pierce Brosnan, but his trousers were a bit short.

Donna, an ankle length shimmery black dress, black heels and a little black clutch bag. Then finished with a string of retro black beads from her bric a bracing, of course. A little Morticia Addams ish.

We refused to see Tony Cannelloni.

Tricky Vicki, a dressy black dress, a dressy black top, tights without ladders and one kilometre high heels. Possibly a a bit Cheryl Baker.

The mini bus arrived and we crammed ourselves in, the Champagne was opened, and gone within ten minutes. Quick disclaimer here, Rosie was only fifteen so didn’t have any Champs. We were noisy, excited, apprehensive.

So when we arrived we were a bit hyper, we scrambled out of the mini bus, composed ourselves, and then strolled, side by side, over to the main entrance. Can’t remember what it looked like because Bud was pestering us with questions like, “Where’s the bar?” and “Which way to the bar?”

Bud had a black belt in beer drinking you see. He was skilled, he had crafted this skill over a number of years. Beer Bud was untouchable.

So we entered the reception area and had a little mooch around. There were lots of people swanning around in black suits, all were from some kind of hospitality venue, be it owners or staff. And chefs, lots of chefs in black suits, doesn't matter what disguise they wear, you can always spot chefs. If you look carefully you’ll see them, a blue plaster on the finger, pasty faces due to lack of sunlight, burn lines on their arms from reaching into the oven at 65mph, and a pint in hand. They walk among us.

And then it happened, about ten metres in front of us, there was a little clearing in the crowd, and Tricky Vicky’s beady eyes caught sight of someone.

“Ohh noooo, Gaynor Faye.”

And Gaynor Faye, possibly a little shocked, turned around and looked at Tricky Vicki, and so did every other person in the room.

“Look it’s Gaynor Faye, oh my God, have you seen her on Dancing on Ice?”

Bud, “No I haven’t, but it suddenly feels very chilly in here. Where’s the bar?”

So some of us went to the bar and some of us went to the loos. And those who went to the loo, arrived back at the bar and waited for a drink.

Me, “Right what does everyone want? Donna, where’s Vicky?”

Donna, “She is in the loo’s telling Gaynor Faye all about Vanilla Black.”

Looking back I realise we probably looked a little different to everyone else there, and because of Tricky, acting a little different.

Did that make us look odd, or cool and bohemian?

Well we hadn't started yet.

We were ushered to our seats and the meal was served, which, under the instruction of Beer Bud, was accompanied by lots of beer. We can’t remember much about the meal, but the beer, and wine, just kept coming. We were giving money to Bud, and off he would go, then arrive back with another tray full. Bud tutored us very well, we were drinking with such skill, that by the end of the three courses, we were out of control.

And then the awards ceremony started. Basically, there were awards for everything, and for each award there were three or four establishments nominated.

Best wine list, best hotel room, best toilets, best pub, best restaurant, best hotel, best newcomer, best seafood dish, best ham hock terrine, best cutlery best blah, best blah, best blah.

Jesus we were a little bored, and a bit drunk also.

It goes like this- And the nomination for best napkins in a restaurant are, The Dog and Gun, 85 Brunswick Street and The Mayflower.

There’s a few polite cheers from the crowd, then someone passes an envelope to Ohhh Nooo Gaynor Faye, and, with a little pause to build up the excitement, Gaynor tells us that The Mayflower has the best napkins in Yorkshire. Then there's polite cheer and some clapping.

This was tedious, we started chatting to each other instead of listening to the next nomination, the Establishment with the Softest Toilet Paper in Yorkshire. Yes I know it’s childish, and it was a little disrespectful, we should have been listening.

So I stopped us, “We should stop talking, other tables are looking at us.”

Bud, “Yea man, you’re right. I’ll go to the bar.”

Then when Beer Bud came back, he had a plan. “Hey everyone, I’ve had an idea, we should like, cheer for every nomination.”

Now, you have to remember that Beer Bud was training to be a comedian, so everything had a comedy element to it.

“Yea, OK Bud, let’s do it.”

So, when the next nomination was announced, which was the Best Car Park in Yorkshire Attached to a Hospitality Establishment, we were just about to give a little cheer, when Beer Bud sprang out of his chair and started shouting and cheering and whistling.

“Yea come on The Grovesnor Arms.” He didn't even know who they were.

And he continued, that bouffant bouncing around each time he jumped up and cheered for people he didn't know.

And because so much beer was rushing through our system, we joined in. Well, me and our Keanu did. The three of us gave our whole hearts and cheers to every nominee when they were announced, they must have been so pleased.

We should have been a little embarrassed with ourselves, but if I’m being honest, I quite enjoyed the irony of it all. I mean, in the eyes of many, we were the outsiders, the freaks, the geeks, that vegetarian restaurant, and here we were, the loudest and brashest in the room. The pirates from Vanilla Black.

And through all of this, Rosie glared at us ‘adults’ as if we were dirt on the bottom of her boots, and she frowned every time another tray of drinks arrived at the table. Kids eh!

If this is mildly interesting and you fancy dropping three quid in for a coffee, feel free. If not, no worries.

Then the time came, our nomination for Best Newcomer. We certainly weren't expecting to win, no way, but we cheered until the walls shook.

However, even though you know something won’t happen, theres always that 0.002% of you that has a little hope.

And when the envelope was passed, in slow motion, to Gaynor, we did that thing were you sit back and play with your finger nails as if you don’t care.

“Ladies and gentlemen, the award for best newcomer 2005 is…….. That Usual Restaurant. Let’s give them a big round of applause.”

So we didn't win, and didn't expect to, the award went to a restaurant which served up Ham Hock Terrine with Mustard, Nidderdale Lamb with Fondant Potato and Chocolate Pot with Clotted Cream. You know the one, just insert any name.

However, Vicky was sure that her friend Gaynor Faye caught her eye from across the room and mouthed, “You were robbed.”

But we enjoyed ourselves, lots of laughs, beer lessons from Bud and just being recognised was enough for the pirates of Vanilla Black.

There were more nominations, Best Chef Haircut, Best Imaginary Team Member and Best Cheese Trolley.

Next up was some dancing. Donna and Tricky were up first, then they were joined by our Keanu. Well, he joined in because some people were getting a bit miffed when there toes were being speared by Vicki’s pointy heels. See, 007, always at the ready. Meanwhile, Bud, Blackhead and me sat at the table chatting, because we were too cool for dancing.

Bud, “You not dancing mate?’

Me, “What am I, a schmuck.”

At the end of the night we dragged ourselves to the mini bus. Tricky Vicki tottering on heels which weren't made for gravel driveways, our Keanu, leaning a bit too far to one side, doing the crab walk, both shaken and stirred. Me, Donna and Bud zigzagging our way over, and Rosie was stood at the mini bus waiting for us.

The mini bus transported us back to York city centre and we all fell out. We told each other how great we were and that we should do this every week. We then split off and headed in the direction of home. Quick disclaimer here, Rosie was picked up by her father because she was only fifteen, we didn't just leave her there.

Oh yeah and a few days later Gaynor Faye booked a table at the restaurant. Ohhhh nooo! Of course, Tricky worked that shift. Sorry Gaynor.

At least we have something to come away with, complete with my reflection.

Right, on we go, but just for a bit. Our Keanu came to us and told us that he realised that he had to actually put some effort into his studies instead of earning money. So he asked if he could reduce his hours, so we let him.

But this left us short in the kitchen. However…….

A guy I used to work with at a college contacted me to let me know that he was now working at York College. He wanted to know if we would be willing to give some work experience to one of their students. Apparently, young Lauren was a promising young chef, but she was just a little shy and quiet. Perfect timing.

So we agreed to meet Lauren a few days later for a quick chat.

But enough rambling, you’ve got better things to do than read this. Catch us next time as we meet young Lozza and tell you about other stuff.

Thanks as usual, Andrew and Donna.

*Did you know? In the movie, Goodfellas, Martin Scorsese had his parents on set to iron the collars of the characters shirts and tie their ties, because apparently, they were they only people who could do it correctly.