Part 25. Handbags And Gladrags

Coffee and biscuits, clutch bags and Drag Ins.

If you stick a like on this at the end it messes with the algorithms and more people are exposed to the greatness of Tony Cannelloni.

Well hello to you all and welcome back. Now, as you well know, ‘cos you read it last week didn't you, we did the monthly Foodie One.

But this week it’s back to the story of running Vanilla Black. The joy of starting work early morning, say 8am, and finishing late at night, say, anywhere between 11pm and midnight.

Seeing the positive look on a diner’s face when they taste cream cheese and garlic mushroom pâtè with walnut cookies, and give their mate a nod of approval.

That feeling of slight annoyance when on a Saturday night, at 11:30pm, you’re carrying a twenty five kilo black bag out to the wheelie bin, but before you get that far, it splits and its cocktail of slop floods all over the freshly mopped floor.

The realisation that people are travelling from many miles away to dine with you. They’re actually booking a hotel in York for a long weekend so they can eat at your restaurant. How did they even know about us, we hadn't been open that long.

Yes, all that type of thing. So let’s go……

Well, if you remember, we’re all dead chuffed because the Yorkshire Life magazine has nominated us, and a couple of other restaurants, for newcomer of the year 2005. For a vegetarian restaurant to be actually regarded as a restaurant, never mind nominated for something, well, this was pretty big to us. Generally, vegetarian restaurants back then were regarded as second rate cafes.

I mean, it wasn't long ago that the restaurant was an internet cafe, and we’d added some rickety oak furniture, a plywood floor and a wooden ceiling, hung up with cable ties. And Donna had switched from healthcare to the world of hospitality. And I was in the kitchen with our Keanu, loading plates into the 80s Hostess Trolley, while willing the plastic wall covering to stay in place.

So despite us feeling like a bunch of pirates, sailing along on a drip feed of enthusiasm, and big bags of chippies from Andy The Chip, we seemed to be doing something right. We had been getting noticed for all the right reasons, and certain people were starting to take us seriously.

But hold on, there’s always someone out there who wants to disagree isn't there?*

If someone creates or builds something positive, there’s always a bundle of bitterness waiting to knock it down. Maybe we’ve all been guilty of that at some point.

And this usually happened all at one time, like in one week. So just after we were told of the nomination, it started. It’s always the same pattern, everything is fine and dandy, then the nit picking starts, the silly complaints, the daft bits of advice.

Maybe it’s something to do with the moon, the pressure of the atmosphere, the Euro exchange rate, or what’s happening on X Factor. Yea, that random.

So in this particular week, one fine evening in the restaurant, a couple were sat having a lovely meal. After the meal, the lady got up and sat on her husband’s knee, well, we assumed it was her husband.

And then, she shuffled herself around to see who she could collar, and beckoned Donna over. Donna obviously assumed that she wanted the bill, so Donna approached.

“Yes, can I help?”

“Yes, we’ve been discussing your restaurant. We’ve decided that your food is good, but we have some recommendations for improvement.”

Donna, “Err, thank you?”

“You’re welcome.” And the lady took a crumpled scrap of paper from her husband’s hand. She straightened herself, still on their lad’s knee, and prepared herself to deliver the words of wisdom. The words which were going to help us run our business better. The words which were going to allow us to work an eight hour shift instead of the standard fifteen hours.

What could this lady have for us?

Now, you may want to write this down, or copy and paste it into Notes. You might decide to open a restaurant one day, this is valuable stuff.

“The first thing is, we think that the little biscuits you serve with the coffee should be better. They were a bit too sweet.”

Donna, “Err, ok.”

“And the second thing is, we found the cutlery to be quite heavy. It’s a bit difficult to eat with.”

And there we go people, get yourself to a commercial estate agent, put six months rental deposit down, borrow tens of thousands of pounds, leave your comfortable job and open your own restaurant. It’s dead easy, you just need a packet of biscuits and a box of that white plastic cutlery.

We won’t tell you what Donna said afterwards. She was knocked out by this information, she couldn’t think of anything to say for a full twenty four hours.

You want another one don’t you?

Well, we used to get people in the restaurant who we labelled as Drag Ins. An explanation. A couple decide they’ll go out because it’s Friday** and it’s the end of the month. That seemed to be the usual weak reason. He wants to go to Barry’s Steak House, she wants to go to Vanilla Black.

She wins!

So when they arrive, he’s in a right huff, he’s been dragged in. Therefore, he’s a Drag In.

Not to be confused with, In Drag, although that would have been better.

On this particular night, a couple arrived and they were seated. The lady was smiley and chatty, he scuffed his feet as he walked in, arms folded, and grunted at his wife’s choice of table. They ordered their food, her with excited anticipation, him with bad attitude, awkwardness, undertones of cynicism, and a little dose of gloom.

You see, he wasn’t going to give his wife a hard time over this choice of restaurant, too much trouble. But waiting staff don’t bite back, so it’s their fault he was dragged in. Typical Drag In characteristic. We see you!

Now, they both ordered a glass of house white. The lady sipped hers, but the bloke had a sniff of his and declared it “Awful”.

He used his pointy finger to order someone over. “This wine is awful.”

“Sorry sir, what do you mean by awful?”

“It’s just awful. What else can I say?”

“Well it’s from the same bottle as your wife’s, and other people are drinking it without a problem.”

“It’s awful.”

What do you say to that? The problem is, whatever you say, you won’t be change his mind.

And throughout the meal he pushed his food around the plate as if he was playing Etch A Sketch. That huff getting deeper, the black cloud above his head getting bigger.

And every time someone came over to clear a plate, or deliver the next course, he said it again, “This wine is awful.” He didn't ask for it to be changed, he didn’t ask for a different wine, he just wanted to tell someone it was awful.

Did we offer to replace it? No, because we knew he was just being awkward, and no matter what we did, he would just find another problem.

I wonder……if they served that same glass of wine at Barry’s Steak House, would it have been “Awful”.

We experienced lots of Drag Ins over many years, sorry, most of them blokes. Come on lads, just eat it and get on with it. You must have to deal with bigger things in life.

We don’t have enough space to hit you with more of these stories, even though you love them, but here are a few daft comments we’ve heard, or had said to our faces.

“I’ll give the place three months max.”

“Do you have something with less flavour?”

“It’s the worst vegetarian restaurant I’ve ever been to.”

“This mushroom tastes like a boot.”

“You must serve tomato juice, you’re a vegetarian restaurant.”

Our Keanu sent this recently. How he has a copy and we don’t is baffling.

Maybe the very general public don’t realise that there are real people who own or work at a restaurant. We sometimes wonder what these people would do if someone walked up to their desk at work and told them they looked a mess.

Funny isn't it, someone tells you the restaurant is amazing, but you forget who said it and when it was.

But those negative punches feel like ten minutes ago, they’re tattooed in your memory, right at the front.

Obviously we did make mistakes, we’re dealing with people and food, both of which are temperamental. So if we burnt something, or messed someones booking up, then fair dos, we sort it out. But when someone states that they just don’t like something, what can you do?

You wouldn’t complain to Netflix that you didn’t like the movie you watched last night. Oh, hang on……

But fortunately for all of us, not everyone is an oddbod. In fact, there have been occasions where we’ve had diners searching for something to complain about, and other diners around them have disagreed.

Once right, we had a table of four in, they moaned so much and so loudly. The lights were too bright, too dark, the table was to low, too high, the food was too hot, too cold, the wine too sweet, too dry.

Eventually, Donna suggested that maybe this wasn't the place for them and it would be best if they leave. They were in such a huff, they got up and walked out. And as they walked out, other diners in the restaurant around them clapped and cheered at their departure. Thanks guys!

When Donna first experienced these difficult characters she was confused. Coming from a nursing background, where people could be having major surgery, or chemotherapy, she didn’t see why some people were annoyed at such petty incidents. It wasn’t a life or death situation. Oh look, the soup arrived to the table without a spoon. Oh no, you got a glass of Chardonnay instead of the Pinot Grigio.

If you enjoy reading these and fancy dropping three quid over for a coffee, feel free.

Anyway, back to important stuff, that best newcomer thing from Yorkshire Life magazine. You see, there was an invite for the awards ceremony, OK, we had to pay for it, but it was a proper dinner type thing, a big night out. Dinner suit, black dress and all that.

So we asked the staff if they wanted to come along, we would pay for it of course, and they were very excited.

And for the next couple of weeks talk was all about what shoes to wear, would a new hair do be needed, what about a little black clutch bag. Our Keanu and me just couldn't decide. Bud and Tony Cannelloni said we were over thinking it.

Tricky Vicki was the most excited, this was going to be two weeks of preparation for her, nails, hair, feet, they all needed some attention. Plus, there were rumours that a celebrity would be at the event. Ohhh Nooo!

And to top it all, it was being held at Rudding Park Hotel, one of those posh hotels with a golf course and a spa. Ha, we were gonna be like a fish in a tree turning up to a place like that.

So catch us next time and we tell you what happened. Oh, and, we introduce our new trainee chef.

Thanks for reading this, Andrew and Donna

*A quick couple of points on negative comments.

In 1987 Michael Jackson released the Album, Bad. Rolling Stone Magazine gave comments such as “not bad” but “disappointing” in terms of its creative level.

The album went on to win two Grammys and sold more than 35 million copies.

In 1995 Oasis released the album, (What’s the Story) Morning Glory? Melody Maker called it “laboured and lazy”.

The Independent called its songs “dab and chummy” and “tiresomely generic”.

The album sold a record breaking 345,000 copies in its first week.

As of January 2024 the album has been certified 17 times platinum.

** In Manhattan restaurants there’s a term which is used by restaurant staff for certain customers, Bridges and Tunnels. It refers to those who turn up, maybe once every three months, make a big song and dance about being in Manhattan, and always have a complaint because they’re experts on dining out. You see, they come from the suburbs and can only get to Manhattan by bridges or tunnels.